The end of a season. But the beginning of a new one. A mysterious season. Yet an exciting season. I'm really not sure what to think right now. I don't have any plans past the end of February. And I don't have a job.
That's a big one for me. I haven't been jobless without a new job lined up for years. To be honest it scares me. But at the same time it excites me. I am at an extremely unique place in my life right now. Most likely I will never again have this much free time on my hands, never again have these few responsibilities. I have no one who is depending on me. No one who is requiring my presence. I could disappear off the face of the planet and no one's life would be ruined. No one would starve. No one would be forever unloved.
That's not to say that nobody cares. But I don't have a God-given responsibility to protect a family. I don't have  friends who would be lost without me. I don't have obligations to a boss or a company. I don't have any debts. I don't even have any secrets.No obligations. It's an odd kind of freedom. Nothing to tie me where I am. Nothing but relationships.
Ah, relationships. People. People I have been given to love. To encourage. That is what keeps me here. That, and the fact that I have no idea where else I would go.
In a way, it scares me, this lack of responsibility. It makes me wonder what I should be doing. Does the fact that no one is depending on me show a lack of dependability in me? Or is  it simply God's way of ending a season of life. His way of moving me forward?
What could I be doing? In the realm of the hypothetical there are so many options. I could be almost anybody, anywhere, doing anything. I could be that gypsyish person everyone always dreams of being. The person who travels wherever he wants to go. Does cool stuff and learns cool things. He's seen it all. You know, a few months in Germany working for some random company. Six months or so in El Salvador teaching English or something. A couple weeks in Peru searching for ancient treasure. maybe some time  documenting penguins or studying the social condition of some tribe in a county in Africa that nobody has ever heard of. Been there, done that. But is that really what I want to do? really who I want to be? I don't think so. Somehow through all the exotic interest of a life like that, with all the stories, all the lessons learned, sights seen, even with all that I would miss the relationships.
That's what really matters anyway. People. Those eternal creations, each one unique. That's where the true adventure lies. Exploring the human soul. That's what I really don't want to miss out on. Lives. Love. Somehow everything else seems empty.
So the real question is which people am I going to explore. Who am I going to love? Who am I going to invest my irretrievable and therefor invaluable time in?
Oh, the answer. So simple yet so hard to accept. To embrace and live. Relationships are given by God. Orchestrated by God. I really don't have to answer any of these questions. he already has the answers. All of them. All I have to do is ask Him for them. And He tells me. A couple at a time. Not enough to let me think I've quite got it figured out. Just enough for the next step.
So all this rambling and I come to my answer. Ask.

I think one of the biggest reasons I started this blog (even though I didn't know it at the time) was to keep me humble. So far this is a bog about ideals and goals, but hardly more. I'm starting to see how difficult it is to live up to my dreams. I know, I'm a little slow. It's so easy to think, "I will live this way tomorrow." Then the next day comes. Buh, buh, bum! Like I said, I hope this blogs helps me stay humble. It certainly isn't a record of my great victories like I hoped it would be by now. In all honesty, my track record isn't very pretty. Not that I'm about to give up. Don't get my wrong, I don't have the right to give up. And in all actuality I don't even want to. I mean, I do, but I don't. But how do I live every moment fully?
Something that has really struck me lately is how futile theology is if it doesn't have an impact on the way I live. If I say I believe something but I don't live by it, my belief is a lie. I can mentally have a perfect theology and philosophy for life but if my life doesn't reflect what my mind believes I might as well believe any lie. My actions are driven by something deeper than just my mind. My inner being (call it heart, spirit, whatever) is always reflected by my actions. So how do I make truth penetrate through my mind and into my life?
I don't have the answer. At least not in it's entirety. But I know the One who does. I trust that He is able to navigate His truth past my mental roadblocks and plant it firmly in my life. So I press forward, confident that as God cultivates His crop in my life His truth will grow and overcome the lies I so easily believe.
Have you ever had one of those experiences where suddenly it hit you that it was time to be more mature? Kind of a call to a higher standard. Today was kind of like that in a small way. I realized that it is time for me to be the man I always knew I needed to grow into. I never realized how soon this day would come. Time to put away childish things. Time to take another step in faith, knowing that I can never be who I need to be on my own. The sheer impossibility of the standard I have been called to is mind-boggling. I mean, "Be perfect, as I am Perfect?" C'mon, really? But it's time to take God at His word and Live. He said that is the standard and I'm pretty confident He wasn't kidding. The only conclusion I'm left with is that He somehow will make this possible.
I know I'll fail again. I always do. The only thing more predictable is that God will be right there, ready to pick me back up, set me on my feet, and point me in the right direction again. And as I decrease, and He increases the falls will be less frequent, though maybe not less painful. He is faithful.