The end of a season. But the beginning of a new one. A mysterious season. Yet an exciting season. I'm really not sure what to think right now. I don't have any plans past the end of February. And I don't have a job.
That's a big one for me. I haven't been jobless without a new job lined up for years. To be honest it scares me. But at the same time it excites me. I am at an extremely unique place in my life right now. Most likely I will never again have this much free time on my hands, never again have these few responsibilities. I have no one who is depending on me. No one who is requiring my presence. I could disappear off the face of the planet and no one's life would be ruined. No one would starve. No one would be forever unloved.
That's not to say that nobody cares. But I don't have a God-given responsibility to protect a family. I don't have  friends who would be lost without me. I don't have obligations to a boss or a company. I don't have any debts. I don't even have any secrets.No obligations. It's an odd kind of freedom. Nothing to tie me where I am. Nothing but relationships.
Ah, relationships. People. People I have been given to love. To encourage. That is what keeps me here. That, and the fact that I have no idea where else I would go.
In a way, it scares me, this lack of responsibility. It makes me wonder what I should be doing. Does the fact that no one is depending on me show a lack of dependability in me? Or is  it simply God's way of ending a season of life. His way of moving me forward?
What could I be doing? In the realm of the hypothetical there are so many options. I could be almost anybody, anywhere, doing anything. I could be that gypsyish person everyone always dreams of being. The person who travels wherever he wants to go. Does cool stuff and learns cool things. He's seen it all. You know, a few months in Germany working for some random company. Six months or so in El Salvador teaching English or something. A couple weeks in Peru searching for ancient treasure. maybe some time  documenting penguins or studying the social condition of some tribe in a county in Africa that nobody has ever heard of. Been there, done that. But is that really what I want to do? really who I want to be? I don't think so. Somehow through all the exotic interest of a life like that, with all the stories, all the lessons learned, sights seen, even with all that I would miss the relationships.
That's what really matters anyway. People. Those eternal creations, each one unique. That's where the true adventure lies. Exploring the human soul. That's what I really don't want to miss out on. Lives. Love. Somehow everything else seems empty.
So the real question is which people am I going to explore. Who am I going to love? Who am I going to invest my irretrievable and therefor invaluable time in?
Oh, the answer. So simple yet so hard to accept. To embrace and live. Relationships are given by God. Orchestrated by God. I really don't have to answer any of these questions. he already has the answers. All of them. All I have to do is ask Him for them. And He tells me. A couple at a time. Not enough to let me think I've quite got it figured out. Just enough for the next step.
So all this rambling and I come to my answer. Ask.

Fear Love Grace

1Jn 4:18  There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear, because fear has punishment; and the one fearing has not been perfected in love.
Fear. It's everywhere. Fear of the future. Fear of the past. Fear of a person. Or a creature. Or an idea. Fear of the unknown. It's controlling.
Why do we fear? What is it about human nature that makes us fear?
What if we were designed to fear? I believe we were designed to have that healthy awe, that shake-in-our-socks respect, that fear of God.
But like every other sin we twist God's design. We manipulate His perfect plan until our version is hardly recognizable as a mutilation of the original. We forget the truth about the nature of God and His promises and convince ourselves that we have a reason to be afraid of something other than our God.
We don't trust Him. We don't believe that He is who He says He is. We don't love Him the way we were intended to love. And we tremble. We feel the knot form in our guts as we forget who we are in Christ. We hide in our dark corner and begin to think that nothing can make our lives better.
Then God reaches out and picks us up from where we are hiding. He wraps His arms around us and whispers His truths in our ear. It's grace. God's unmerited favor for us. Nothing we have ever done or could ever do would make us deserve it. And we begin to understand. And we begin to see God with the awe we should always have. And our love grows.
The more we love, the less we fear. The more we love, the more we understand the One we love. And our love is perfected. And perfect love casts out fear. That irrational, cowardly, pathetic, doubting fear cannot live alongside real love. That's grace.

Romans 14 In Verse

Romans 14

Let him who loves God love his neighbor
And serve 'long side his brother
For each will answer to our Lord
And not to one another

Let not, with condescending thoughts
The weak in faith despise
The Master judges every man
And sees with perfect eyes

So rather let us give support
For those whose knees are weak
For God is able to to provide
The strength for those who seek

Never causing friends to stumble
The good of others seek
Each man must crush his Flesh, his Sin
The strong uphold the weak

God's kingdom comes with peace and joy
With bowed knee and bowed heart
With life or death each man will say
"I serve because Thou Art"

That day each man in faith will live
In truth he will rejoice
The saints will live in harmony
And praise God with one voice

No Injustice in God

It is the divine right of God to do as He pleases.
Romans 9
...I could wish that I myself were accursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers... But it is not as though the word of God has failed...
This means that it is not the children of the flesh who are the children of God, but the children of the promise... though they... had done nothing either good or bad--in order that God's purpose of election might continue...
What shall we say then? Is there injustice on God's part? By no means! For he says to Moses, "I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion."
You will say to me then, "Why does he still find fault? For who can resist his will?" But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, "Why have you made me like this?"

What if God, desiring to show his wrath and to make known his power, has endured with much patience vessels of wrath prepared for destruction, in order to make known the riches of his glory...

Paul is saying he wishes he could take the place of his fellow Jews who are rejecting the Christ. He wanted to be a substitute for them, being cut off from God so that they might have access to Him. But then he recognized that God extends His promise and election to whoever He chooses.

There is a theme throughout this chapter. Something that doesn't seem to quite add up. Why would God allow His chosen people (the Jews) to reject Him? Why would He choose Jacob over Esau even before they had done anything to set them apart? It sounds like Paul hadn't completely come to terms with this. He still wanted to  change what God had chosen and take the place of the Jews who God did not choose. But he recognized that God has the divine right to do whatever He sees as best. God chooses who He will, elects who He will, and we have no right to question/accuse our maker. 

So the next question is, if we cannot resist the will of God can we really be blamed for what we do? The interesting thing to me is that Paul doesn't directly answer the question he poses. Instead he says, who are you to answer back to God?

And then he poses a what-if. What if God acts in this seemingly inexplicable way in order to make known His power and glory? What if there is a bigger picture than we, as the vessels of clay, can see. But God the potter knows what is best?

So I come back full circle. God has the divine right to do as He pleases.

Perfect.

I want to follow this train of thought a little farther. What does the perfection of God mean? I'm going to let my discombobulated thoughts tumble out and see what happens. Perfect means no improvement. Nothing better. When I say I wish something about God's plan was different it is because I don't understand. If I truly understood why God does what He does the way He does it I would simply fall down and worship Him for His perfect plan. There is nothing better.
Why did you choose to send your Son the way you did? Why do you let me turn away from You? Why do your followers feel pain? Isn't there a better way to teach us? Why do you allow people to reject You because they don't see who You are? Why don't I see miracles? Why don't I see perfect victory in my life? Why do I feel fear? Why, why, why?
Blanket answer: I don't yet fully see the heart of God. His way IS perfect. I just don't understand.
I don't want to seem to blame God for my failure. Somehow His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Somehow His sovereign will is never broken, never hindered, never thwarted.
So in short, I don't really know. But I trust that some day I will no longer look through the dark, distorted glass but I will see Him face to face. And I'll ask Him then.

Perfect?

"As for God, His way is perfect..."

God's ways are perfect. That's right. PERFECT. Think about that for a moment. That doesn't leave a lot of room for improvement. According to Webster's 1828 dictionary perfect means finished or competed so as to leave nothing wanting. Imagine that. No room for improvement. 

So now the question: How does sin fit in Gods perfect plan? In all honesty, I don't have all of the answer to that question. But I do believe His way is perfect. Somehow it seems that for us to not have to option to sin is imperfect. Somehow there is more to be learned about the heart of God by being given the option to reject His will for us than be being required to follow it. God wants us to choose Him. But somehow He allows us to reject Him as part of His perfect way. I don't understand. But some day I hope to. 

When God created the world He said that it was good. Yet in that good world was the potential for evil. But God still sanctioned it as good. I believe it is because God wants us to choose Him. CHOOSE. How can we make a choice if we have no other option? God walked with Adam and Eve and allowed them to know Him but still when they had the choice they chose to rebel against the perfect God who they KNEW. Why? 

My thoughts are beginning to ramble but in the interest of completing this post I'll try to explain what I believe to be the problem. Not only does God want us to choose Him, He wants us to choose Him for the right reason. Not based on some hedonistic weighing of the options and picking the one that looks best for us. Not based on a terror of the punishing wrath of God if we choose wrong. Not even because we've studied and we know God has the right ideas. 

Note: none of those are innately wrong. Choosing God's will for our live will turn out best for us, although maybe not best by normal standards of good and best. True. Fear of God in never a bad motivator. The Fear of God is the beginning of wisdom. Not a bad thing. Knowing things about God is great. We are supposed to study to show ourselves approved to God. But there is something missing in all of this.

I believe what God wants from us is a reflection of His nature back to Him. God is love. God wants us to love Him and to obey Him because of that love. If I have good works and prophetic powers and supernatural exemplifications of the Spirit of God but do not LOVE enough to simply trust and obey it counts for nothing. The desire of God is that we LOVE HIM. Without that love we can never truly choose His way for the right reasons. We can never see who He is. We can never be fulfilled as the creatures He created us to be. 

I think one of the biggest reasons I started this blog (even though I didn't know it at the time) was to keep me humble. So far this is a bog about ideals and goals, but hardly more. I'm starting to see how difficult it is to live up to my dreams. I know, I'm a little slow. It's so easy to think, "I will live this way tomorrow." Then the next day comes. Buh, buh, bum! Like I said, I hope this blogs helps me stay humble. It certainly isn't a record of my great victories like I hoped it would be by now. In all honesty, my track record isn't very pretty. Not that I'm about to give up. Don't get my wrong, I don't have the right to give up. And in all actuality I don't even want to. I mean, I do, but I don't. But how do I live every moment fully?
Something that has really struck me lately is how futile theology is if it doesn't have an impact on the way I live. If I say I believe something but I don't live by it, my belief is a lie. I can mentally have a perfect theology and philosophy for life but if my life doesn't reflect what my mind believes I might as well believe any lie. My actions are driven by something deeper than just my mind. My inner being (call it heart, spirit, whatever) is always reflected by my actions. So how do I make truth penetrate through my mind and into my life?
I don't have the answer. At least not in it's entirety. But I know the One who does. I trust that He is able to navigate His truth past my mental roadblocks and plant it firmly in my life. So I press forward, confident that as God cultivates His crop in my life His truth will grow and overcome the lies I so easily believe.
Have you ever had one of those experiences where suddenly it hit you that it was time to be more mature? Kind of a call to a higher standard. Today was kind of like that in a small way. I realized that it is time for me to be the man I always knew I needed to grow into. I never realized how soon this day would come. Time to put away childish things. Time to take another step in faith, knowing that I can never be who I need to be on my own. The sheer impossibility of the standard I have been called to is mind-boggling. I mean, "Be perfect, as I am Perfect?" C'mon, really? But it's time to take God at His word and Live. He said that is the standard and I'm pretty confident He wasn't kidding. The only conclusion I'm left with is that He somehow will make this possible.
I know I'll fail again. I always do. The only thing more predictable is that God will be right there, ready to pick me back up, set me on my feet, and point me in the right direction again. And as I decrease, and He increases the falls will be less frequent, though maybe not less painful. He is faithful.

My Right to Give Up

In Tom Harmon's Morning Prayer (http://tdharmon.com/morningprayer) there is a list of rights to yield to God daily. One that always sticks out to me is the right to give up. This is something I face every day. My track record isn't always pretty and most of the time I just don't feel like being responsible with my life. But I have been called to live life to the fullest; that's what Christianity is. And I have relinquished my right to give up on that goal.
Do I achieve that goal every day? Nope. Have I ever achieved that for a single day? I'm going to have to ditto my previous answer. But the One who called me to be perfect is also the One who enables the changes needed in my life to become like Him. So I look toward the goal, take a better grip, and rededicate myself to conquering my failures through the strength of God and being conquered by the power of the Almighty.

What do I fear?

Throughout scripture God tells people hundreds of times not to be afraid. Fear that is not based on an understanding of the nature of God is wrong. One of the things I want to start doing is uncovering my fears and bringing them face to face with truth. Fear binds, but truth will set you free. A major fear I see in my life is a fear of commitment. It is based in a fear of the unknown. If I commit to something what do I have to give up? Will my life be as comfortable? What if I fail?

Through this blog I want to start chronicling my commitments. I'm going to start small and go from there. I'm not going to take on too much at once. I want to build personal discipline in me life from the foundation up. Some of the things I've been thinking about for short term commitments are physical things like goals for running, jiu-jitsu, working out, hiking, getting up at a certain time, and so forth. Other things are more mental or spiritual disciplines like prayer times, Bible study and memorization, educating my self on history, nutrition, human physiology, or whatever. 

So, that's my vision. Now for diving in head first. 

Conquering Fear Part II

I want to live life conquering fear and conquered by fear. There are two kinds of fear. The first kind is irrational fear. It is not based in reality. This is the kind of fear Paul talks about in 1 Timothy. God has not given us a spirit of fear (irrational timidity). The second kind is a fear based in reality. It is completely rational and completely relevant to everyday life. It is the fear of God.
The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom. This isn't irrational terror but rather a true understanding of the nature of God. When we understand the holiness of God and the true implications of our sin we begin to have this kind of fear. This is the fear that drives us towards God. When we feel terror about anything but the wrath of God we are allowing a fear in our lives that is not based in reality, and it drives us away from God. I think often these different kinds of fear can feel the same. But they lead to totally different places. Fear of the world leads to bondage and misery. Fear of God leads to strength, freedom, and joy.
So this blog is about conquering the fear that is not based on reality and being conquered (controlled, in submission to) by the reality of an awesome God.

Conquering Fear Part I

Why Conquering Fear? What does that mean? Well, it has a double meaning. The obvious meaning is that this is a blog about me conquering my fears. No duh. The other meaning is kinda the flip of that. This is a blog about being conquered by fear. Yup. I totally just said that. Well, I gotta run so I'll explain later. Not that anybody is going to see this in the meantime.